Reminders

Beneath the cynical parts of me that say that I'm probably going to end up alone-- somewhere deep beneath that, in the depths of who I really am-- is a hopeless romantic. Forgive my dramatic words, but it's true.

See, here lately I've been battling the single blues. In the words of Relient K , "it always hurt to be all by myself this time of year, cold and lonely Christmas Eve." This time of year is a wonderful, beautiful time of year, but not having someone to share the beauty with can be tough at times. Not to say that I don't have a wonderful family and wonderful friends; I do. I couldn't ask for better. But it's not the same as having that one person who is the other part of you. I don't truly know what that feels like, but I have an idea. I know what it's like when someone has all of you and you have at least a part of them in return.

But I'm getting off topic. See, December is one of my favorite months. My niece has a birthday, my birthday isn't long after hers, then my parents and one of my brothers have their anniversaries, then there's Christmas. There's so much celebration and beauty, but as stated, sometimes you just want that one person to share it with.

Deep down inside, I believe that there is someone out there who is waiting to find me. He's not perfect. He's a little rough around the edges, just like me. I pray for him and he prays for me and I think that we both probably want to meet each other YESTERDAY, but we're both waiting because we know that God has better timing than we do.

How do I know all that? Because of reminders. What do I mean? I'll explain.

A few weeks ago, I was walking to my car after work, when the wind blew a small leaf from a nearby tree and continued to blow so that the leaf was stuck to the side of my neck. I grabbed it and when my instinct said to discard it because it was just a random leaf, something inside of me said: "Keep that. It's a kiss." I kept it. A few days later, I found a leaf in the seat of my car... After I had gotten out and closed the door. I thought back to the other leaf. Not long after that, another leaf made its way into the doorpocket of my car.

I know what you're thinking. "It's fall. Leaves are everywhere and end up everywhere." But there's something about it. I felt like these leaves were reminders from God that someone is thinking of me and praying for me as much as I pray for him. Just as I've prayed that God would send him a hug from me and let him know that I'm thinking of him, he's prayed for his own kind of reminders. Maybe the reminders will change as the seasons change, but I know they'll keep coming.

Just a note to you, whoever you are: one day, after we've met and I'm certain you're the one I was talking about, I'll tell you all of this. Until then, I'll keep praying that God would prepare both of us-- that He would consume us, take over all that we are-- so that we're ready for when our paths finally converge and we begin running toward the same goal.

I'll be seeing you.

Frustration

I hate not being over him!

I spent most of my day today alone. I like being alone, honestly, because it lets me think. But man, walking into every store and hearing some sad love song didn't make my plan of not thinking about him today easy to execute.

I guess it's back to listening to "The Hug Poem" every night before bed. Something about that poem makes me feel less alone.

I just hate not having someone to confide in anymore. I honestly want to tell him, "Hey, I miss being your friend!" but I can't.

I'm ranting.

Goodnight.

Leave A Message After The Tone

*beeeeeeeep*

Hi.
It's me.
Ummm... Look.
I don't really know how to say this without sounding weird.
Frankly, it is weird.
But, sometimes just seeing you for a couple minutes makes my days a little better.
I don't get it because we don't even really talk that much,
But honestly
You just make me smile.
So thanks.

*click*


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I get these little moments of random theatrical inspiration. I don't quite get it, either. haha

Random Bits of Poetry I Wrote

Taking things a little differently today. haha. Enjoy.

As the Sea to the Shore

Your line is impervious
to my attempts
to make you jealous for the affection
That I throw towards you

I am the waves, you the shore
I cast myself
Recklessly at your mercy
But you are unmoved

I retreat to my bed
And alone I stay
But I wait for you to come for me
The shore never ran to the sea

Guess

I am dressed in striking colors
But I have no need for dyes
I stand out from all the others
Of my kind, and catch your eyes

I dance each ev'ning and ev'ry morn
I am seen just by the sun
With every day I am reborn
Yet this life is only one

No woven cloth could be my glory
And wiser people have said
No costly garment match the beauty
In which I'm naturally arrayed


Just Asking

I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling
Maybe I'm just hurt or angry
Or something

It doesn't make much sense to me
I keep opening up to you
And still

You've hurt me too many times
For me to drop my guard
Even once more

If you are who you say you are
Then I'm just asking you one thing

Prove it.


Anxiety

I feel the loveless presence
Of a spirit I know too well
His arms are not comforting
Like a father or friend
His voice is shrill
And drowns out my thoughts
Till my mind is filled with nothing
But his ravings and rantings

He takes my hand
My heart begins to pound
As if trying to escape my chest
He puts his arms around me
My stomach turns
My breath is lost

There is no comfort in this embrace
I want only to be freed from it
So I stay awake in his clutches
Through the night
And I await the dawn
I know it will come


Just

Just as I breathe a sigh in peace
When I lie in bed at night
So the trees will give their leaves
And the birds take their last flights

Just as I wrap my coat around
To shield from biting winds
So the snow conceals the ground
And under ice, the branches bend

Just as I open windows up
To invite in the breeze
So the trees throw wide their buds
Revealing their flowers and leaves

Just as I seek the shade of trees
To hide away from heat
The clouds administer mercy to me
And hide the sun with rain

And just as seasons pass me by
And time spins on and on
I know so quickly goes my life
And and like the leaves, I'm gone

ACT I

The breezes cue the leaves to start their dance
The rains, the audience, clap their hands
The woods pantomime with a breath of wind
All sound hides in the storm's presence
I watch the scene behind a pane of glass
And as quickly as it came
It's onto the second act

Buzz

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing
Like bees inside a hive
All this incessant buzzing
Is the soundtrack of our lives
Buzz
Your phone is ringing
Buzz
The TV's on
Buzz
The kids are screaming
But nobody's home

All poems © Smile Like You Mean It Publishing

Skies So Blue

This will be the first part of a series... I think... Who knows?

If you read my last blog, you know that I recently went through a breakup. Frankly, getting over that and moving on is a series of ups and downs. Some days I think about it entirely too much, to be honest. I look at all the negatives and try to wrestle with them and sort them into neat little compartments. I think that's part of the recovery process-- sorting your brain out.

In the midst of all the sorting-- a necessity for truly moving on-- you can get a little sad. Maybe a lot sad sometimes. But you can't let the sadness rule you because, the truth be told, this is an amazing life. Yeah, sometimes we have to go through hard things, but we've been given the option of not going alone. We can reach out for the Savior's hand and He'll walk with us through it.

And even though some things are painful they are truly for the best. I've realized that. I've found that in the midst of something that has hurt me, I've become more alive and more myself than ever before. There's a newness that pervades.

So... I'm going to share some things with you guys and I'm going to start it off with this song by The Rocket Summer. It's one of those songs that just makes you feel good and reminds you that each day is a beautiful gift.

I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad?
And I know sometimes I might feel alone, so broken, cold
But now I'll show that I know that the sky's such a sweet blue
You made this come true
My heart feels so new
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
Like skies that are so blue.

Easy To Ignore

It's amazing how a person's tastes can change over the course of a decade. If you had asked me back in the day what I thought of the band Sixpence None The Richer I would have told you that I hated them and that Leigh Nash had an annoying voice.

Well, life has a funny way of playing little tricks on you. I'd become accustomed to their music, but I still didn't "like" them, per se. But today, I hopped into my car and when I found nothing good on the radio, I reached for the Sixpence tape my sister had left in there ages ago. I pushed it into the tape deck and the radio sprang to life. It could have been any song on that particular tape, but it had to be the track that describes so well a feeling I've had often of late. What song? you may ask. Well, I should think the title of this blog would give it away, but for those who are a little slow on the uptake, it was "Easy To Ignore."

The second verse and the chorus really stood out:

You let your song blow right through me
Your mighty intellect makes it mighty hard to see you
Will there come a time for me to be
More to you and more to me?

Oh, and night breaks
My heart couldn't ache
Any more
Am I that easy to ignore?


You see, not long ago the man whom I thought was the love of my life broke up with me. Ok, so callig him a man is a bit of a stretch. "Boy" is a more appropriate term. Hey, I'm just being honest. Anyway, one of the most difficult parts of the whole thing has been the fact that he and I don't really talk anymore. It's like talking to a stranger who knows everything there is to know about you. You know each other's secrets, but there's still this huge wall there that wasn't there before.

But when I look back on things-- on my relationship with him-- the more I see that verse come to life.

You let your song blow right through me...
We had our little list of "Wedding Songs," that you and I wanted played at the reception we were planning. Well, bud, I guess you see how that worked out, huh? I can still listen to those songs, but sometimes it's like a knife digging once again into an old wound.

Your mighty intellect makes it mighty hard to see you...
Have you ever felt and been made to feel like you're not worth much? Like you need to change to earn someone's attention? Yeah... That was me. Even if they were "accidental," the putdowns and comparisons to other women really make it hard for a woman to flourish. It was just a subtler form of bullying. You were so insecure-- so focused on you-- that you couldn't acknowledge much good about me.

Will there come a time for me to be more to you and more to me?
Would I ever truly exceed your expectations or would I forever feel like a failure? I needed you to show me that I'm more than I thought I could be.

Oh, and night breaks...
I'm most honest with myself at night. I can look back at you and I and see us with the most objectivity.

My heart couldn't ache any more...
Than when you made me like an acquaintance to you...

Am I that easy to ignore?
You said that I was the best thing that ever happened to you and that you could never love another woman as much as you loved me. What happened to that? How could you just give me up like that, if I was truly that important? You didn't even fight for me and you won't even talk to me anymore.

Am I that easy to ignore?

Sincerity

I just watched an interesting video on youtube. Poet and singer Bradley Hathaway was talking about creating art as a follower of Jesus Christ and how the goal isn't to be unique or to stand out, but to be sincere which may mean being "normal" at times. C.S. Lewis said that the man who tries not to create something new or different but who strives to be sincere and tell the truth regardless of how many times it's been told before is the man who is truly creative. (Lewis said it prettier than I did, but you know.)

I'm an artist. I'm not famous and few people hear my songs or my poems. Honestly, I've written tons of songs on the same subject or surrounding the same event in my life. Truth be told, it's the same stuff that you go through. It's nothing new because sin, death, decay, hurt, healing, joy, love, compassion-- these are not new things. Life on this breaking-down planet is not new. So why is it important? Why do the things I write matter? I can't create anything new. I can't create anything. Sure, I can write a song, but I didn't invent sound or language. I didn't create the pen or paper I wrote it on. Honestly, the song isn't my own.

And that's why it matters.

When I write about my experiences with sincerity and I place it in the hands of the One who created everything-- who took time to create me and has stuck with me-- then the songs and poems have a purpose. The art has a purpose.

I have a purpose. He gave it to me and it is to glorify Him, and to experience Him, and to share Him with others in whatever ways I can, whether that's through art or something like baking a pie for someone. In His hands, everything has purpose.

My life is not about me and I'm so glad.